A journey to self

This is a piece that came through to me a few years ago while in flow and not thinking what I was writing. It comes from a deeply connected place. In fact, I hadn’t re-read it since I wrote it and put it away in a notebook, hidden in the back of a drawer until I found it this week. It feels the right time to share. It may or may not resonate with you. I’ve typed it as accurately as I can from its raw, written form.

When do we learn to care more for the needs of others, than to care for our own needs?

When do we learn the word selfish, and why are we not taught the words self-love or self-care?

When do we switch off the signal that allows us to receive?

Is that when we learn?

When we allow our inner voice to be dulled, drowned out by the voices of all those who see our light, and choose to dim it so that they can feel ‘more’?

More what? More equal? More than?

When we allow our inner voice, our internal guidance to the best of us, our best life, to be dimmed, we become a paler version of ourselves.

It may make it easier for you to fit in, at least for some period of time, to feel like you belong, but if you are not allowing yourself to hear your own voice, your truth then you are not being your best self.

Does it matter? Well, does it?

Only you can know if it matters to you. If you feel comfortable in your own skin. Not defined by the external approbation of others, whose voices drown out your own. Sometimes they are hearing you, sometimes they are not. Sometimes, after a while they are quietly stifling you, quietly making you doubt. 

Doubt whether you are right when they criticise but mean well. Just for your benefit, you understand. To help you get perspective.

To see it from their point of view. Y’know. Outside of you. Not actually seeing you. But seeing the version of you that exists, like a hologram, as a projection of what everyone else needs to you be.

Then do you hear your inner voice? Quietly, it whispers to you. Is that true? Is that you? Are you what ‘they’ say? You listen to them and the projection expands, layer upon layer.

Until one day, the inner voice, that once quiet voice shouts loudly enough…

‘Hello, this is me. You, your truth here.’ 

That’s when it begins.

The quiet knowing. The quiet hearing. The quiet voice that you now listen to. Just now and then.

This. This is the beginning.

The beginning of your journey.

The journey back to yourself.

To your beauty, your magnificence, your completeness, your whole, your truth.

You, in all that you are and ever were.

Back home to your heart. Your love. Your love of self.

Herein lies all wisdom, peace and joy.

You.

Go shine your light.

Health and Safety. Act.

Twenty-four years ago, to the week, I walked out of my home and never went back. I had no plan, packed nothing, didn’t even know where I was going when I got into the car and drove.

I left my husband behind, despite protestations and declarations of love. Something in me knew that I had to get out and get out then. 

That something was my sense of survival, it over-rode all the other logic and senses. I am certain to this day it literally saved my life.

We have all heard about the terrifying increase of domestic violence since we are in lockdown. Horrific for those locked inside four walls with someone who will manipulate and twist that situation to create even more carnage, wreaking their own inadequacy and lack of control onto others.

I was one of the lucky ones, I got out and stayed out. I had a family that supported me. I got away from the physicality of the challenge, and yet also carried it with me. Within me.

All those echoes inside that are the inevitable fertile breeding ground for self-doubt. The rich pastures of every voice that told you that you are not enough. Not good enough, not clever enough, not creative enough, not slim enough, not sporty enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough. 

Or that you are too much. Too sensitive, too dramatic, too close, too emotional. 

Not just the words of those, but the behaviours that proved it to you.

Those are the seeds sought out by the manipulators, season after season. Sewing even more doubt, feeding even greater insecurity.

I trust that your lockdown situation is one in which you are safe from any harm which others may wreak upon you. If it is not, I truly hope that when it is the right time for you, that you find your own route out, as I did.

If you are reading this and thinking that you are glad not to be in lockdown with someone who is unkind or even destructive, I want to offer you a new perspective perhaps. 

What if you are in lockdown with your own worst enemy? You! 

How many of us have ever said that about themselves? I certainly have in the past.

You see, the inner critic is the one that needs to be gotten away from to keep you in the healthiest and safest place of all.

How many times have you found yourself being angry, impatient, unkind or downright rude to and about yourself? In a way that you would never speak to a friend, or a younger loved one. 

How many times have you been judgemental about yourself? Inside your head or even shouting at yourself to stop being lazy, get up, get out, get baking, get making, get writing, get online, get cleaning, get going, get exercising, get rid of the chocolate … (don’t do that!).

No but seriously, don’t DO that. To yourself.

Instead, try this. When you hear that voice inside yourself that you think is you, being unkind or impatient, just stop. Stop whatever it is you are doing and count to 10. Ask yourself this question …

Is that really me? Is that my voice telling me those awful things? Where did that come from?

You certainly weren’t born believing you are stupid, ugly, incapable. So it came from somewhere.

I would lay odds on that it wasn’t you at all, it was someone else. So someone else told you, or simply made you feel that way with their words and their behaviours. But it was a long time ago and slipped out of your conscious memory, because it was painful, shocking even. But it stayed with you.

So that inner voice, the harshest inner critic. It’s not even you! Not originally. All those voices have morphed into one and become yours.

So. Here’s an invitation to you.

Whilst you are in lockdown, whilst you have none of the normal everyday busyness of everyday business to distract you, gift yourself permission to become more aware.

Become aware of those things about yourself that you feel less than good about or comfortable with.

How many of those can you identify? Don’t get competitive or greedy about it, we’ve all got some!

But do try and dig a bit deeper, try and go back before you assumed ownership of the voice. See if you can find out who it came from. What memories come up? You can be sure they won’t be comfortable, they may well be very painful. However, in bringing them out of the shadows and into the light of consciousness you then have a choice.

Do I still choose to believe this story about myself? Or can I decide I can put it down and leave it there, walk onwards without it. Like an unwanted Christmas gift, you’ve held on to it, but you can now decide you don’t want it cluttering your space. Take it to the recycling centre … leave it there. 

Dig deep, dig deep beneath all those old hurts and wounds. You have no idea what buried treasure lies beneath. It’s you, the true you. Magnificent you. Go get’ em. 

And don’t forget I am here, journeying through and along with you. If you need some healing help, you know where to find me.